If I had to figure out why or what changed, I would say part of it I guess it that my daughter has grown up and is no longer living at home and part of it is that my idea of enjoying a holiday usually involves celebrating in the tackiest way possible ( lots of fanfare and decorations, the more homemade the better), going outdoors to have adventures (making snowmen, kayaking, camping) and getting surprises, all quite the opposite of what my husband perceives as a relaxing time. All that fuss seems to stress him out. There is a little part of me that wishes for a grand gesture and while I know it won’t really happen, I try not to get overly frustrated by this any more. Maybe I just gave up or got tired of being disappointed.

So, much like the past 10 years of mother’s day, this one has been just another mother’s day. Nothing incredible or special, although I was treated to my favorite mother’s day treat of a bagel with cream cheese, salmon, tomatoes and cucumbers. Also had some strawberries and tried to put just a touch of Nutella on them and found that to be delicious!

Spent a good part of the day cleaning the house, another smaller part of it “typing”. I did take some time to work on a little sewing project and finally made one of the sleep sacks I have been meaning to make for weeks. I found that I can do it while relaxing and watching a show on Netflix (currently watching Lost), so I think I’ll get through a few more tomorrow when I take my daily lunch break with a bit of TV.

This new vendor was directly across from the crepes. A vendor just for cupcakes? Sounds like my kind of vendor!

I ended up getting just one cupcake to go. It was delicious. The cake was wonderfully moist. I am not a huge fan of frosting, but it was minty and light.

There were only about 2/3 of the number of normal vendors, and many of the produce vendors were not there at all. We got a bag of potatoes, some local honey and a couple of sweets from the Honey Bakery. Then we went to the grocery store and got some gardening supplies like seeds and whirligigs for my garden. Work to do today, but I’ll get to play in the garden tomorrow…..

Full images found here Summer of 2012

Got to work on my garden for the first time of the season today. Something about working in the dirt is so meditative for me. Even though kneeling over and bending over the ground while pulling weeds out is hard on the body, the effects on my mind and soul is calming. The results don’t look like much yet, but given where it started, I am pleased with my efforts for the day.

Before, the beds were full of dead things from last year, so my first task was weeding out all the dead vegetation.

In the two hours of weeding on the first bed I noticed that it looked like my chives and onions may have survived the winter so I replanted them. Time will tell if they survived or not.

The second bed is still a big mess as that is where the peas and herbs were last year and I ran out of steam to work on it today. I’ll work on weeding this next weekend.

WORD UP Samira!

I am reminded of a time in high school when I also didn’t have many friends (only one in fact) and felt very alone. The song “Hold Your head up High” by Argent got me to walk through crowded yet lonely hallways. It is very fitting for right now as well.

I have pretty much given up. Everything I try to do lately seems to fall apart. I almost never cry, but right now my eyes are puffy and swollen from spending the last 30 minutes sobbing on the couch. It’s all too much for me any and I really give up.

Unless I get some kind of GINORMOUS sign from the Universe to do otherwise, I will most likely be closing the studio, re-joining the regular work force and taking a complete break from all dance in the fall.

There was more to this, but I decided to edit it out since it was quite personal and would have pointed fingers at those people I am feeling very betrayed and disappointed by lately. It was cathartic enough to just write it out, no need to share with the entire world.

Acceptance, or rather, I’m too tired to fight anymore.

Big show coming up, teaching 6 classes a week plus troupe weekly until then so not a lot of time to myself in the next couple weeks. Work on more internal issues (emotional well-being and mental thought process) will likely have to wait until May, when I get the garden started as well.

I am physically exhausted, emotionally drained and have no time for me to work on my dancer other movement goals. I am not normally someone who responds to stress with emotional responses, but after this week’s most recent development, I just can’t seem to stop crying this week.

So, now that I am done having my personal little pity party I am back to digging in my heels, “pulling myself up by by bootstraps” and will find the strength to get through this. Either it works out or it doesn’t and there is no point in whining in the meantime, right?

http://dancelifetv.com/index.php?episode=121