One year after the surgery

One year ago I had surgery on my shoulder. The incision is healed and I did twice the amount of PT that my insurance allowed.

I’m pretty sure this was a bad decision.

I’m still weak in this shoulder. I have pain regularly in my shoulder, collarbone area and bicep area. I have not been able to resume yoga. I can hold a down dog for a limited time, chatarunga is totally out of my abilities at this time. I did some hiking and attempted a single backpacking trip overnight and was exhausted by the time I got back.

But I won’t give up.

I’ll keep trying very, very small doses of yoga and pushing my arm to get stronger and dealing with pain and drinking my double Old Fashions to help me sleep.

I never ever want to have surgery again.

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On Solo Adventures….

“Setting off on a grand adventure is the only way to pause our restless mind and find peace.” ~ Dyana Carmella

She is a great story teller and creates beautiful videos while doing really hard things. I try to be as brave as she is with each new adventure.

Dyana is my idea of a modern day Wonder Woman, my childhood hero grown up and in real life.

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Packrafting classes!

I just signed up for two days of packrafting in Eagle River the last weekend of June.

My shoulder will be strong enough to paddle by then, it must be.

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Brooks Camp!

I just scored what looked like the last reservation for Brooks Camp for June 16-17. Now to figure out all the other logistics!

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Feb 23: Needle for your thoughts?

It might not look like much, but it took a 45 minute MRI and another hour and a 1/2 at the doctor for them to tell me they don’t really know what’s wrong with this poor hand, but let’s shove a needle fill of steroids  in your wrist to see if it helps.

And apparently this is going to hurt really, really badly later and for up to 5 days. Because the last 3 days of crying have not been enough.

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Feb 22: Pain Beyond Frustration

It’s been over a month since my wrist started hurting and it’s much worse at this point. I spent most the the past two weekends in pain and most of this past one I was either at the edge of tears or actually sobbing.

I was supposed to have a followup for my shoulder today and PT, but when I called to confirm the doctor appointment they said it was rescheduled for tomorrow. No one asked or told me it was rescheduled and had I not called to check I would have fought -30F temps to get to an appointment that did not exist.

This also happened for my appointment last Monday too, which is why I figured I should call to check.

I had also scheduled my normally on Tuesday PT today around this appointment today, but since my hand hurts so much I can hardly use it I canceled the PT today. I probably should have gone, but I’m too tired and painful to deal. Everything is setting me into fits of sobbing and I really don’t want to have a meltdown at PT.

I have an MRI scheduled tomorrow. Hopefully with that information we can get to the bottom of my wrist and hand pain. I’m tired of being at a 7.

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Post-surgery prep for backpacking trips

After my first backpacking adventure last summer where I carried way too much weight, got soaking wet, and had an experience that some would say would turn them off backpacking forever, I’m somehow determined to do a couple of trips this summer. But my recent shoulder surgery has made me ever so much more mindful of what I will physically be able to do so I’m trying to lighten my load. By changing to an ethically-sourced down sleeping quilt and a lighter-with tent I’ve shaved four pounds off my base weight. Those are also going to be my most expensive items too I suspect.

I think I will shop for a lighter backpack since my current one is over 4lbs, but I want to try it on in person and need to wait for my shoulder and arm to be more healed up since I’m only 8 weeks out post-surgery and can barely lift up my arm to put on a hoodie. I am not going for ultra-lightweight and I like to take my camera which adds about 4-5 lbs, but I think I can still get my base weight closer to 23-25lbs.

My lighterpack list so far:

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“Grief is wild” – Motherland: Fort Salem

I never know what’s going to trigger an emotional response. Today I sat down for lunch and to indulge in a bit of tv and ended up sobbing for 30 minutes.

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Random musings of the day

I wanted to be a Zoologist when I grow up. Now that I am working from home due to COVID-19 I get to observe (albeit my own) animals during the day and feel like I have somewhat fulfilled my childhood dream.

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A lack of justice

Yesterday we found out that the man who was sentenced to 10 years for the death of my daughter is already out in a half-way house and wanted to be released with an ankle monitor so for some sort of legal reason they had to notify us. But on a Sunday? That seems odd.

Part of my wants to find him and make him mortally pay for my loss.

Part of me blames the lack of justice  system with catch and release, especially since apparently this was not his first time with a DUI.

It has not even been four years since she was taken from me and he’s already moving on with his life while I’m still stuck mourning.

I can’t even cry. I’m just numb.

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