Random Thoughts in My Head

Yoga: Went to the UAF class Donna teaches.

Pranayama: I did some to try to calm myself at class today and I’m planning on doing this tonight.  I’ve also taken melatonin so I’m not sure how long I’ll last though.

Asteya: Not sure what about this topic I’m experiencing today.  Maybe some reflection and a good nights sleep will clarify things for me.  Update before bedtime, just read this: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-13433/warning-signs-your-chakras-are-out-of-balance.html – 4th chakra (heart) is a big one for me.

It’s funny how one’s attitude can totally fuck something up.  Case in point: I spent most of the day very excited about heading to yoga class tonight.  My bra was making me so angry all day I was so excited to go to class, put on a not-as-supporttive-as-it-could-be yoga top since I was out of clean sport bras, but I had planned to stick myself in the corner and hide my unsupported boobs away from people.  I get there and there were two students outside setting up their mats.  Fuck, I think to myself. Outside? I ask them about class and there were both delighted about being outside and hoped that class would be outside since “it was the last couple of times.”  Fuck, I think to myself again.  Just leave now, I think.  I’m not mentally prepared for an outside class, I’m not excited about being outside at the entrance to the gym with people coming and going.  I was looking forward to finding a corner in class and getting in some good me time without my damn bra on.

I go inside and look in the gym.  There are people in there.  I put down my basket and grab my yoga gear to go change in the bathroom.  I’m terrified we are going to be outside around people with cold air which I would normally love, but cold unsupported boobs means massive peek-a-boobie nipples, so I leave my damn bra on.  I see another YTT student in the bathroom and we chat a bit.  I go outside and find a piece of shade to hide in and leave my sun glasses on the entire time.  I’m angry; very, very angry.  I consider leaving again.  Just power through it, I say to myself.  I had left my work shirt on, but it kept draping and hanging weird so I eventually took it off.  We had a gentle practice with some Chandra namaskars.  There were also arm balancing things which I avoid for a plethora of reasons and a few excuses.  I was too mad to even try to get past my excuses.

My class experience sucked due completely to my attitude. I got home and I was angry and my back hurt worse than it did when I got to class. I hate not being prepared about what is coming.  I’m not sure what lesson I’m learning here, but if anyone suggests that I should “go with the flow” I might just start yelling.

Pranayama:  None.

Yoga:  None.

Satya: I mentioned this was the last day of this Yama and that I was going to be honest when the topic of buying more hip scarves came up.  I said I would do it, but not today and not anytime immediately.  Good for me! Usually I just agree to do something and add it to a list and then feel badly when I fall behind.  I was totally honest about what I’m capable of taking on right now and my troupe was very accepting.  Satya for the win today!

Tomorrow the schedule should resume to some level of normalcy.  Planning on going to yoga at UAF after work, something I really need for myself right now.

Pranayama:  None.

Yoga:  None.

Satya:  Writing this on Sunday instead of Saturday. More costuming with the troupe then I got ill and needed to lie down.  Not a lot accomplished on this day other than costuming.  Truth be told, the two weeks prior to a big performance are so stressful and busy I’m not surprised I am falling really behind on this LYS.  I’m not going to get myself worked up about it though:  It is what it is.

Pranayama:   None.

Yoga:  None.

Satya:  I fell behind on my accountability and am writing this on Sunday instead of Friday.  I know I did not do any yoga and am pretty sure I did not do any pranayama.   I put in a full day at work and then had plans to work on costuming with my troupe.  In our gathering we frequently snack and I had asked Michael to buy some frozen pizzas to have on hand in case anyone needed food while we worked.  We finally made the pizzas around 10:30pm and though I am trying really hard to stay with a vegan diet for a combination of lactose issues and more important to me, compassion for the animals that produce the dairy products, sometimes I give in.  Instead of being directly honest about why I was avoiding cheese  i skirted the issue when the girls made some very innocent inquiries.  I didn’t lie, but I was not 100% truthful either and focused on the dietary reasons.  I’ve been thinking about that for a couple of days now and I wonder why I did that.

Another dance day.  Another long day at work.  But tonight is man date night for my sweet honey so I might actually get to go home and have some me time to spend in my dance room doing a bit of yoga.  That’s my hope at least. 

Pranayama:  Started the exercises this morning from bed, but then I fell back asleep.  Thought I would try again before going bed, but as it turns out I didn’t.   “It is what it is.”

Yoga:  Incorporated some personal practice while I was teaching the dance conditioning class.  At the end of class, like on Tuesday, some of my students who are also some of my dearest friends, wanted to hear more about my weekend, so we talked about my weekend of ‘soggy feet’ (see blog entry – link coming) as well as how excited I was about learning the history behind poses, plus I showed some of the hand-on assisting we learning this past weekend.

Ahimsa:  This is our last day of focusing on Ahimsa and I am very aware that I have a tendency towards non-harm in just about all aspects of life; I tend towards veganism and only eat non-commercially raised humane treated meat on the rare occasions I do eat chicken, and the majority of my animal-based protein comes from wild caught fish.  I’ve become softer and kinder with my words with age and am at a point in my personal relations with immediate family where things are mostly easy: it has not always been like this so I’m grateful for this time.  My hardest time with this concept is towards myself.  I’ve been working more and more on being okay with “it is what it is.”  It seems to help!

Had plenty of goals planned out to do after work, but not all of them we accomplished.  I’m okay with that.

Pranayama:  Practiced in bed before going to sleep.  I think I went to sleep a little more quickly than normal, but I’m also still tired from the teacher training, trying to keep up with my normal hectic week schedule plus everything else going on for me right now so I’m curious to try this at night a few more times to see if it really helped me relax at night or if it was partially due to being tired and having a beer tonight plus the pranayama.

Yoga:  I took today after work to clean up my dance room so I’d have room to do home practice and specifically thought some Chandra namaskar would be good for me since so many things in life seems to be in a bit of a state of chaos right now.  But once that was done, I had a quick supper (vegan mac and cheese with broccoli, yummy!) and then ran off to my violin lesson.  When I got home I wanted to spend time with my sweet honey, so I watched a show with him, then got on the computer to take care of work stuff.  Next thing I know it was after 11:30pm and I needed to get to bed, so that’s what I did.  I also think I might have been avoiding doing yoga though I’m not quite sure why.

Ahimsa:  Less worrying about what I didn’t get done means more peace for me.  Outside of the home I had a panhandler / chronic inebriate ask me for money while I was walking to work from the parking garage.  I had my wallet but I lied and said I only had my keys.  I felt bad about the lie immediately and am still thinking about that non-truth on the third day of Ahimsa.  Was it non-harm to not give the money that would have most likely been spent to harm himself or should I have believed him when he said it was to take a bus to the airport? Thoughts to ponder…

Woke up this morning with an overwhelming sense of sadness.  Stayed in bed and did my pranayama to try to calm and soothe myself before starting the day.

Need to figure out how I’m going to fit in yoga on dance nights.  Might just do some Chandra namaskars once all the students leave, before I go home.

Pranayama:  Practiced in bed before staring my day.

Yoga:  Other than what I do for my dance class, none.

Ahimsa:  Taking care of myself.  Tuesdays are long works days due to day job and dance, plus I had to mail in the tax extension today so I was up late last night, so I decided the best non-harm I could do was to be gentle to myself and not force a yoga practice today.