Random Thoughts in My Head

First day back at work since Missy died. Probably should not have gone in since I snapped at one of my office mates almost as soon as I got in. I did my usual where I come in and try to be very obvious about needing some queit time, time to put my stuff down, put my lunch away, get my coffee, etc, but he is so damn perky every single morning and for this non-morning person, it is quite maddening. He was just asking about my weekend and “your cat” and I snapped back, “she died!” while trying really hard to contain all the fury and venom I wanted to shower upon him, for no reason other than he greeted me. I did apologize and felt bad about it all day long. I’ve been having some trouble dealing with this office mate’s level of enthusiasm that I face every day I come into work and this was just too much I think. It may be nearly lunchtime for him, but for me it’s still morning and I need time to settle in before I start interacting with my office mates. We just share an office for crying out loud! I barely know this person

Besides my morning rage, I only cried twice on this day though.

I did go and get my weekly massage. I was tempted to cancel since my mood was so sour, but I went and it was nice.

I remember that Sunday was sunny, a strange break in the weather after a week of rain. I was already feeling like I had forgotten to do something since we had gone a full day with Missy and her need for insulin. The morning habit of me giving her a shot and her canned food seemed to still be missing since the two boys, Shadow and Bug, would still come to the kitchen when I went to get my coffee since they still wanted to get their share of canned food. I offered it, but they didn’t seem as interested. Perhaps the fun in the treat was in doing it as a group? Regardless, they both wandered off leaving two bowls with their wet food nearly untouched.

Saturday had been a day full of immense sadness and most of the household sleeping for most of the day. Perhaps it was all the stress from the previous day, but I knew that we had to get on with life, so after we made breakfast we dug into doing household chores. We got some things done I had really wanted to get done for quite some time, but nothing that was beautiful or artistic or soul fulfilling. Just functional tasks such as moving the dryer onto the dryer stand we had bought last year, clearing out recycling to be taken away from the house, taking care of cleaning of the house.

The idea of working on my LYS was a fleeting one and I decided that I needed to care of my soul more. I stayed home all day and I remember I cried a lot on this day too.

I recall my heart broke open on this day. I don’t think I even considered the LYS. I have not ever experienced the death of a person close to me nor do I think I have grieved for a person who has passed, so I have no comparison, but I’m positive I never cried quite quite so much in my life as I did on this day. I woke up thinking I was going to get Missy and have the day to nurse her back to health, instead I was given the news she had more seizures overnight and that she was not doing well. I knew the kindest thing for her was to euthanize her and I knew it was my responsibility to stay with her so she knew she was loved until the very end, but as her pain subsided with her passing, my heart felt like it had been ripped from my chest and has stayed like that for days.

I’m down to only a couple fits of sobbing per day now, but the grief, sadness and loneliness is overwhelming when it hits.

I’m writing this in retrospect, some five days after the fact. This was supposed to be the first day of our second Living Yoga Sadhana (LYS) that was Hatha-based with a focus on finding balance.

This was the last full day we had with our Missy Kitty and it involved three vet visits with massive ups and downs in our hopes for her to be able to pull through. We gave her the best chance we could, taxing her between three different vet appointments to get her continuous care and spent far more than I think I have ever spent on a vet in a 24 hour period.

When we took her to the emergency vet Friday night , I fully expected that after some 12 hours of intensive support that she would be able to come home with us, but that was not the case. It turned out to be such a sad day. No balance. Just grief.